There are days and times where I feel like screaming and smashing things up, but my blank face somehow manages to mask it and I miraculously keep it all in. My stomach burns, my arms go numb and ache, my head hurts and my skin problem flares up. I feel stupid just writing this. The problem is that these moments have started to become increasingly common as the days go by.
I sit poised, my eyes wide open and my mind on alert as I observe what’s going on around me and inside of me. It’s a mix of numbness, resentment and that painful pinch of hope. If I write for this magazine, it’ll boost my portfolio and I’ll get accepted somewhere. I’ll work for these people, sure they don’t pay but it all counts as experience in the end right? My work and talent will eventually get noticed, it’ll just take time, I say to myself. Funny enough, it’s what everyone around me also says.
I’ve been a fighter for as long as I can remember. It’s a blessing and a burden, because even when I want to give up and throw the towel in, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’ll sit, sulk, have a cry but soon find that my fingers itch with restless. Before I know it, I’m back to doing things even with tears in my eyes and an inextinguishable fire in my soul.
A full bodied monster from within, rears its ugly head of frustration, anger, determination and hope. It roars in anger and lashes out itself, ripping its scales and skin off as pain fills every cell of its body. It wanders around in a state of drunken rage until it has been exhausted by its anger. Tired, drowsy and with a heavy head, it looks up at the sky through half open bloodshot eyes. A dark blue circle flits across the sky. ICurious, the monster gets up and slowly walks towards the circle, unsure of who or what it is. The circle gets bigger and before the monster knows it, a watery cannon ball of comfort hits its hot, bloodied skin and engulfs it. The monster falls to its knees, drenched in a pool of serenity, as it quietens itself down.
I get a text or an email that reminds me to just stay focused and take time out if I need it. A message that says: Your success or failure has nothing to do with anything else, anyone else and anything that is not YOU. I take a deep breath in and just keep going. Because it’s all that I can do.