Humans of the Internet


Woman angry at computer

As a millenial, it’s safe to say that the majority of my adult life has been dominated by technology. As sad as that may seem, it’s actually not a bad thing. As a blogger and writer, it’s a great platform for me to showcase my work, connect with like minded individuals and build a network full of incredibly inspiring people.

Alas! Not all is as rosy as it seems. For every amazing person I know, there are at least 5 humans whom I would describe as oxygen thieves. Of course everyone and everything has value in the world, we’re all special unique beings, but there are certain types of people that I have had the unpleasant experience of encountering on the Internet.

1. The One Hit Wonder:

This is the type of person you might have recently come into contact with. This person will sit talking to you all night and the next day. So far so good. You get the thrill of meeting someone new and exciting. So you message them the following day, but they don’t reply to your message despite having seen it (those tick marks are so handy!) Poof! Off they go never to be seen or heard from again. Sure, they’ll retweet things, post photos on Instagram and regularly update their Facebook statuses, but reply to your message? Never!

2. The Narcissist:Grumpy-Cat-01

The phrase “style over substance” was tailored for this person. The trouble with narcissists is that they don’t even know that they are a narcissist.  This person regularly posts Photoshopped images of themselves, the swanky places they go to eat food (now you know where not to go!) and post the odd deep quote to show that they sometimes think. Their social media life makes them look like they live in the covers of a glossy lifestyle magazine. The reality? They use social media as a front to distance themselves from their “admirers.” The result? Take away all the filters they use and you’re left with nothing.

3. Digital Dave: 

My personal favourite; Digital Dave is a person whose life online looks incredible. He’s 6ft2, ripped as hell, has chiseled features yet is an intelligent, sensitive human being who is outgoing and likes animals. Digital Dave is commonly found on dating websites, initially you’ll feel like you’re out of his league just from looking at the photos. But when you meet up with him (if that even happens!) Real Life Dave is a far cry from the hunky Digital Dave and you’d rather watch a snail race than have a drink with him.

4. The One with No Face:

This person – for some odd reason – has no photos of themselves. I get it; selfies can be really annoying. But the flip side is when this person posts photos of cars, skylines, buildings, plants, flowers, cats and cakes. Which is all very nice, but it doesn’t answer the question of…what do you look like? It’s equally annoying and confusing. So unless you’re a Transformer or a Power Ranger…at least have a photo of yourself.

5. Herbert the Pervert:

Totally stole that from Family Guy! This person will only contact you when their nether regions are on fire. In fact, they become so annoying that you almost want to set fire to them. Joking, I’d never advocate violence. But the good thing is that, if you ignore them long enough (or block them!) they tend to fade away with their searing loins in tact.

6. The Bunny Boiler:angry child

Ok so this person is actually quite dangerous. They start off all nice, polite and things actually look quite promising. But one day, you say something and they take it the other way. The wrong way. So you have an argument over a misunderstanding and decide to part ways for good. Not so fast!! They then proceed to stalk you online, pursue you relentlessly and harass you until you either take out a court injunction against them or report them to the police. Beware of the Bunny Boiler.

7. The Human Frisbee:

This person might have been someone you regularly talk to. Or used to. But every now and again they disappear off the radar and into the abyss of the unknown. You try to contact them to no avail. So a few months go by, you forget about them and suddenly they contact you. Shocked you reply back and you have a brief conversation. It’s a nice conversation, so the next day you go to continue it. When they don’t reply for about 3 weeks, you realise that they’ve done a Houdini on you. And the vicious cycle continues until it eventually fizzles out. Or you can’t be bothered to reply back.

8. The Wannabe Cupid:

Ok so this one really applies to South Asian ladies as it happens to us the most. This person has the front to try and chat you up over mediums such as LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook and God help you if he finds out your Skype address! They’ll send you a poorly written message saying: “Hiiiiiiiiiii…..you r vry btiful,,,, i lve yr smle and wnt to b frndzzzz wth you…..k…bye….” along with a YouTube video of a random love song with photos of them soulfully peeping out at you. You’re better off just not responding or blocking this person. Why? Once you respond, they won’t let you go. Ever.

9. The Rottweiler:

This person constantly has beef with everyone and anything they come into contact with. Sure a bit of anger can be humorous but when it’s directed at each and every little thing in life, it lose humour. In fact, you dread the second that this person’s name pops up on social media. So much so, you do anything to avoid conversation with them – even if it means keeping a note of what time they come online. Better safe than sorry.

That’s my breakdown of the types of people on the Internet, if I’ve missed any out let me know!

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3 thoughts on “Humans of the Internet

  1. Brilliant, a very nice read 🙂 I’m definitely Digital Dave, right down to the chiselled looks and loving animals, ha ha ha.

    One thing you missed about Digital Dave. He likes to correct anyone that will listen to him, or read what he has to say. So here goes.

    In your first paragraph you wrote ‘majority of my adult life has been dominated by technology’. Actually technology is what makes us homo-sapiens, it’s something our ancestors have used for hundreds of thousands of years. One example is during the stone age. The reason why it was called the stone age is because that’s when our species discovered the mastery of stone technology.

    What I think you mean is “digital/online technology has influenced most of my adult life”. To say that the technology has dominated you is disconcerting. Digital technology doesn’t have a concious, you are choosing to dominate it rather than it dominating you. It’ll swap around in about 15-20 years though, many futurologists, such as Ray Kurzweil, agree that synthetic/artificial intelligence will exceed human capability by then. So that domination you write about might just become reality soon, to the alarm of many people.

    Kudos for profiling those different types of internet personalities 🙂 I look forward to your next write up, as always.

    Like

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