Rigmarole


I find that I increasingly strive to keep myself busy to prevent niggling, destructive thoughts getting the better of me. I pretty much do anything to not have to face them: even if it means disrupting my sleep pattern. Of course, this only works for a certain amount of time before the thoughts sharpen their claws and rip through that membrane of separation only to wreak havoc. I find that when the day’s events come to an end, when the dust settles and silence kicks in, that these thoughts come crashing down upon me with the ferocity of Niagara Falls.

It is a difficult thing; facing such issues and accepting that they exist. I suppose that recognition is the first and most important step. I faced one set of demons and after many years managed to overcome them – I got my peace after a long time and thought that it would be plain sailing from there. I was wrong. As we grow older, we overcome old problems, briefly celebrate our victory, only to be faced with new ones watching and waiting. They say that music can alter moods and that writing can take you to a different place. Although you almost always end up back in the same place you started out in, you return to it feeling invigorated and slightly less burdened than before.

“I am my worst critic. My biggest enemy, but I am also my strongest healer. And I cannot run and hide from or separate the two.”

I imagine that we are all covered in scars and scurrying through life under layers of make up, self assurance, egos and denial in a sea of roses, thorns and whips. I listen to the conversations that we have with each other and can only imagine the ones that we have with ourselves when we are alone. And I often wonder to myself: how many of us have a moment to just stop, to take a break, think about where we are right now, to re-energise ourselves and look around. My desire to be busy enough to shut out my inner destruction from taking place, comes at the cost of being burnt out, emotionally dead  and with a sense of inner emptiness. This isn’t how I want to live. This isn’t the person who I am or want to be. Old habits die hard but in order to be the best version of ourselves, we have to let them go. I can sit, cry and blame a lot of people and situations, but the reality is that the biggest thing holding us back is usually ourselves.

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2 thoughts on “Rigmarole

  1. There are other ways of blocking out negative thoughts then to burn yourself out. True keeping busy means you are being productive and “doing things”. However that’s not how the systematic setup of the body works. Your mind may well be geared to work at a 100mph (not sure if that’s even fast enough in this day and age), however your body may not think in a similar fashion. Develop some techniques to relax the mind and control the inner phoenix.

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